Christian Grey Goes to Hell
by gzorat
Summary: Although the moral of the story is not necessarily what one may interpret from the title, silly religious proselytism is absolutely the goal. I guarantee that you will not be aroused by it...well, unless you're into that sort of thing.


Groggy and confused, Christian Grey woke up. He had no idea of where he was or how he had gotten there. He could see nothing beyond the film covering his eyes, could hear nothing through the cotton that seemed to have entered his ear lobes, and could feel nothing beyond the sensation that his arms and legs were bound by something metal.

He lay in this state for an unknown period of time. Eventually, however, he did regain his senses. He now saw that he was handcuffed to a bed in the middle of a dingy room. The light source was a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling. Yells and screams of pain were audible from outside the room. All sorts of muck and filth coated the ceiling, walls, and floor.

_That's odd_, he thought. _I thought I'd been to all the kink clubs in the city, but this one doesn't look familiar at all. Gotta say, though, I like the atmosphere_.

The door opened, its rusted hinges emitting a sound best described as a combination of flatulence, nails scraping a chalkboard, and an extra-loud fire alarm. Anastasia Steele walked in, dressed only in sexy lingerie and carrying a whip.

"Anastasia, honey," I'm glad to see you. "I don't remember how I got here. And I must say, you look stunning. Although you do look a bit different."

If Christian had not been so puzzled by how he had gotten there, he would have spoken in a far more alarmed fashion. The difference to which he referred was actually quite acute: Anastasia's skin had turned bright red, and a pair of horns poked up from the hair on her head."

Anastasia giggled and cracked the whip, lacerating the poor man's chest. After getting her fill, she said, "Christian, dear, since you seem to have forgotten, let me remind you. You died and went to Hell. One of your employees, the accountant you fired for refusing to cook the books, sneaked back in and pushed you down a flight of stairs. Apparently, his sister needs an operation, and thanks to you, he has no way of paying for it. Oh—and me, I'm a demon who was sent to seduce you. The Devil told me that you'd be the _perfect_ prize for someone with my fetishes." She started whipping him again.

Christian couldn't believe his ears. "Oh, damn!" he groused. "All this time, I thought these things were a myth, or at most a metaphor for understanding things that the human mind cannot easily grasp. The whole thing about angels, God, and Jesus Christ just seems so simple..."

Anastasia paused the whipping long enough to giggle and say, "Christian, my dear, I suppose you would say that colors, shapes, and numbers are a myth, too? Not only are they simple, they do not even exist independently of the mind! When you see a pebble on the ground, you brain tells you that is is of a spherical shape. But you think that the pebble is a sphere only because your brain is set up to regard it as a sphere. Your brain is set up to ignore that fact that no pebble is spherical in the strict geometric sense. Indeed, a far more advanced mind, one perceptive of the many imperfections on the surface of the pebble, might use a more precise term to describe its shape.

Consider also, that when you claim that God does not exist, you assert that there is nothing that could possibly be considered God. But any concept, once defined, must exist! It is not a matter of _if_, only _how_. Imagine that some guy writes the equation xy=z on a sheet of paper, and claims that the x in that equation equals 5. Would you respond, not knowing the value of y or z, that he is wrong? Indeed, the value of x may be more or less than you imagine it to be, but it is a matter of mathematical fact that for any value of y and z, there is some value x by which xy=z. Do not assume that a flawed conceptualization of something means that that thing does not exist. There are many things that we could understand differently. Indeed, your damnation here may not be remotely like you imagine it."

Christian leaned back and groaned, not really bothering to process his once-lover's words. _Damn_, he thought. _Oh well, at least I had good luck up until this point_. He thought to himself for a moment and said, "Well, at least tell me this: what was it that sent me here? Was it the BSDM stuff? The financial fraud? The 'dumping toxic waste in the reservoir' thing? Arms dealing with Dmitri Yarosh and Pravy Sektor? Maybe a combination of all these things?"

Anastasia replied, "Man, hear me: there is but one sin, and one sin only: to treasure the flesh above the spirit. Such is the source of all wickedness; there is no wrong that is not fundamentally the result of man's prioritization of worldly things. The world, as it was created, is such that every man and woman must choose between the spirit and the flesh. The world is a brutal place, and people correctly (if only subconsciously) understand that they cannot realistically expect to survive without compromising themselves in some way. Very much of what appears to be virtuous and laudable is, in fact, rotten and corrupt beneath the surface. The criteria by which one individual asserts his or her superiority over any other is, at most, a thoroughly empty pretense.

When Christ said, 'no man cometh unto the Father, but by me,' he was not stipulating that one could save his or her soul through mere belief in his divinity. There are many horrid individuals who hypocritically, yet truthfully, acknowledge him. What can be said is this: one cannot be saved from the world's corruption except by adhering to this principle: that whenever the flesh and the spirit are in conflict, the spirit must be chosen. The distinction may not always be as obvious as one would hope for, but the further one is removed from silly, worldly matters, the easier and clearer the logical path to salvation will appear.

When one hears the expression 'the Word of God,' what most readily comes to mind is the set of written laws found in the Old Testament. But Christ did not come to propagate ancient Hebrew tribal customs, but to explain upon the logic inherent to moral law. 'The Word of God' in the original New Testament Greek (_ho Logos tou Theou) _means 'God's Logic' as much as it means 'God's Word.'

Now, ancient Hebrew tribal law was certainly divine in the sense that it facilitated the survival of those who adhered to it. Who can deny this? It is as plain as day that the ancient Hebrews followed the law, and did survive in their section of God's creation. But the law only helped them survive; the law alone saved no one from the trappings of shallow worldly pursuits. Any who did escape the temptations of the world did so via the application of logic and understanding. A legal codex only directs, but logic fulfills. And it was Christ who achieved the highest level of such logic that any human could attain, and acted such that his wisdom was spread about the world entire. Again, who can dispute this? It is a matter of historical fact that none but he inspired exactly as he did."

Christian Grey, having heard this, lay back to meditate on what he had heard. _Damn_, he thought. _If only I could start over with all this in mind_. The demon Anastasia went back to whipping him.

All of a sudden, though, the pain in his chest caused by the whip was replaced by pain of a different variety. It came from the defibrillator of a paramedic.

Christian was overjoyed, and knew exactly what he had to do next. Resolutely, he declared, "As soon as I get out of the hospital, there's a certain accountant to whom I'm going to make amends!"


End file.
